An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor askes him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turns the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's been pissin in the ice box again!"
Three guys are in a bar on the top of a cliff. The first guy says to the other guys "You know, if had just one more beer, I think I could fly." The second guy says "No Way!" So the first guy orders a beer and drinks it. Then all three guys walk ou t to the edge of the cliff. The first guy jumps off, starts falling to the ground, and then flies back to the top of the cliff. The second guy is totally amazed, so he says "You know, if I had another beer, I bet I could do that too." So all three guys go into the bar, and the second guy has another beer. After he finished, he said "Ok, I will be able to fly now" So they all went outside and the second guy jumped off of the cliff and feel to the bottom, where he hit the ground and died instantly. The third guy turned to the first guy and said "You know Superman, you are a real jerk when you drink"
Granny was visiting town for the first time. She checks in at the hotel, and the bellboy takes her bags. She follows the boy, and as the door closes, she looks around and shakes her fist at him."Young man, I may be old, and straight from the hills, but that don't mean I'm stupid! I paid good money, and this room won't do at all! It's too small, and without proper ventilation! Why there's not even a bed!" The bellhop looks at her and says, "Ma'am, this isn't your room, It's the elevator!"
An explorer was walking trough the jungle, and suddently, he found himself surrounded by dangerous cannibals. "I'm fucking dead", said the explorer. Then, a bright light came from the sky and a voice from the sky said "Not yet, take your knife, and cut the throat of the leader". The explorer did what the voice said. The cannibals began to scream. The voice from the sky said
"NOW, you are fucking death"
An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?" "They're for the funeral."
At about 3:00, a plane took off for New York. On the plane there was a pilot, boy scout, priest and the smartest man in the world. All of a sudden the engine blows up and the plane starts going down. The people are startled and start looking for the parachutes. They find them but there are only 3 parachutes. The pilot takes one and says 'This is my plane so I get a parachute.' And then jumps out the door. The smartest man in the world grabs one and says, 'I'm the smartest man in the world and the they will need me down there' And then jumps out the door. The priest goes and grabs the last parachute and says, 'I need to spread my wisdom around the world. Sorry kid.' Then the boy scout all the sudden speaks up and says, 'No...Thats okay. The smartest man in the world just took my nap sack!'